Let’s talk about the most common misconceptions, or ‘faux pas’ we see in the Surrogacy Community, and the things we can do to help prevent them. Information is always the key and we believe in handling all situations with as much sensitivity as possible.
DON’T - Using BMI to determine ‘Health’
Body Mass Index is a measurement that is used to determine an individuals ‘ideal’ weight, however, does not actually use any measurements that are unique to the individual. As an example, body mass is calculated only by height and weight, but does not take into consideration an individual's muscle mass or activity level. Muscle weighs more than fat, so someone who is particularly muscular, is likely to have a higher BMI rating but can be quite slender, and thus be a very inaccurate rating on the BMI scale. BMI also does not consider an individual's lifestyle, workout regime, eating habits, sleep habits, etc and is a poor measure of ‘overall health’. In Canada, it is rare to see a clinic use a BMI number as a factor of whether or not a potential Surrogate is ‘healthy’. Most clinics prefer to work within a weight limit, which will vary from clinic to clinic, but they also take into consideration her overall health and factor in many variables. A woman can be very sensitive about her weight, especially after having seen her body change as she goes through pregnancy and childbirth. Asking what a Surrogate’s BMI is, as a determination of her health, or ability to carry a pregnancy, can be very insulting. Instead, we advise Intended Parent(s) to have a closer look at a Surrogate’s lifestyle, her medical background ( which is included in her Profile provided to any potential Intended Parent and to the Fertility Clinic ), and her activity levels, to help get a more accurate vision of her ‘health’. ‘Weight’ does not make someone ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’. You can have a heavier set woman be incredibly fit and healthy, while a much smaller woman be very unhealthy and inactive, and vice versa.
DO - Look at the big picture
Look at the overall picture and be sure to never judge a person's ability to become pregnant or carry a healthy pregnancy by a single number. ‘Health’ and ‘Weight’ are not the same, and it is always best to consult a medical professional and defer to them about whether they feel the Surrogate is healthy enough to carry a pregnancy.
DON’T - ‘Tandem Journies’
Our Platinum Family gets asked about Tandem Journeys all the time, and in theory, we can understand why. But let’s break this down a little to get a bigger picture.
A Tandem Journey is when the Intended Parent(s), choose to work with two Surrogates at the same time and have each become pregnant with their embryo, close to or at the exact same time. It can be seen as a way to maximize the timeline to grow a family or to have children very close in age.
Yes, in theory, it makes sense to try to grow your family very quickly and to have everything done at the same time, but it also can cause great stress, competition between the Surrogates, pressure or stress placed on the Surrogates and IPs, and can lead to a break down or complete loss of communication.
When a Surrogate, along with her family, makes the choice to help grow a family for someone else, they have to fully commit themselves to the process. It is only natural to ask the same of an Intended Parent. In a situation where an Intended Parent is trying to juggle two Surrogacy journeys at the same time, they cannot physically or emotionally fully invest themselves in either journey. Even in the best case scenario where both journeys carry on without any complications, it is physically and emotionally impossible to be in two places at once and often appointments can overlap. In a worst case scenario, where one or both of the pregnancies require extra care or attention, (such as hospitalization, bedrest, hyperemesis gravidarum, etc), the strain and stress placed on the Intended Parent(s) to support both journeys, in itself, could become too overwhelming. We also need to look at the risk of one Surrogate becoming pregnant where the other needs a few extra transfers, where the Surrogates could deliver at the same time, where the Surrogates live in different provinces and both need the Intended Parent(s) in person, etc etc.
A Tandem Journey is when the Intended Parent(s), choose to work with two Surrogates at the same time and have each become pregnant with their embryo, close to or at the exact same time. It can be seen as a way to maximize the timeline to grow a family or to have children very close in age.
Yes, in theory, it makes sense to try to grow your family very quickly and to have everything done at the same time, but it also can cause great stress, competition between the Surrogates, pressure or stress placed on the Surrogates and IPs, and can lead to a break down or complete loss of communication.
When a Surrogate, along with her family, makes the choice to help grow a family for someone else, they have to fully commit themselves to the process. It is only natural to ask the same of an Intended Parent. In a situation where an Intended Parent is trying to juggle two Surrogacy journeys at the same time, they cannot physically or emotionally fully invest themselves in either journey. Even in the best case scenario where both journeys carry on without any complications, it is physically and emotionally impossible to be in two places at once and often appointments can overlap. In a worst case scenario, where one or both of the pregnancies require extra care or attention, (such as hospitalization, bedrest, hyperemesis gravidarum, etc), the strain and stress placed on the Intended Parent(s) to support both journeys, in itself, could become too overwhelming. We also need to look at the risk of one Surrogate becoming pregnant where the other needs a few extra transfers, where the Surrogates could deliver at the same time, where the Surrogates live in different provinces and both need the Intended Parent(s) in person, etc etc.
DO - Commit to one Journey at a time
Focus your attention and devotion to one journey at a time, with the goal of one healthy baby. If the end goal is to have more than one child, speak directly with your Surrogate/Intended Parent(s), and make a plan for a sibling journey. Our aim is always to reduce risk and to keep the focus on the importance of the relationship between Surrogate and Intended Parent(s).
DON'T - ‘Multiple Embryo Transfer/Twin Pregnancy’
With the technology today for embryo testing, and the processes involved in embryo creation, along with protocols used at embryo transfers, success rates have gone up. In the past, embryos were often transferred untested, at the 3 day stage of embryo creation, and often clinics would transfer two or more embryos at a time. Today, we see embryos being transferred at the blastocyst stage of embryo development, often hatching, most commonly PGS tested, and as a standard, only 1 embryo transferred at a time.
Twin pregnancies run a much greater risk, not only to the Surrogate, but to the baby(ies). Even in the case of a single embryo transfer, embryo have been known to split, resulting in MoDi or MoMo pregnancies (where the babies will always share the same placenta, but can also share the same embryonic sac). Both of these pregnancies are extremely high risk and dangerous to both the Surrogate and the twins. In fact, our CEO went through this exact situation and was placed in multiple life threatening situations.
In a situation where two embryos are transferred, we risk a minimum of two babies growing at the same time, and risk one or both embryos splitting.
All twin pregnancies are considered ‘high risk’ and are at an increased risk of bedrest, hospitalization, early delivery, delivery complications etc. We do not recommend transferring more than one embryo at a time.
Twin pregnancies run a much greater risk, not only to the Surrogate, but to the baby(ies). Even in the case of a single embryo transfer, embryo have been known to split, resulting in MoDi or MoMo pregnancies (where the babies will always share the same placenta, but can also share the same embryonic sac). Both of these pregnancies are extremely high risk and dangerous to both the Surrogate and the twins. In fact, our CEO went through this exact situation and was placed in multiple life threatening situations.
In a situation where two embryos are transferred, we risk a minimum of two babies growing at the same time, and risk one or both embryos splitting.
All twin pregnancies are considered ‘high risk’ and are at an increased risk of bedrest, hospitalization, early delivery, delivery complications etc. We do not recommend transferring more than one embryo at a time.
DO - Single Embryo transfers only
Keep safety as a top priority! We never want to intentionally risk the safety of any Surrogate or Baby(ies). The goal is always ‘one healthy baby, one healthy Surrogate, one healthy pregnancy’.
DON'T - ‘Stereotyping’
Everyone has heard the stories and heard the tales over the years. There are some that stand out more than others, ‘working with women is harder because they are overbearing’, or 'international IPs are far more emotionally distant than local IPs’, ‘same sex Intended Parent(s) lack maternal/paternal instincts’, ‘Unmarried Surrogates don’t have enough Support’, ‘Surrogates that have full time jobs are a higher risk than stay at home working Surrogates’. The list goes on and on, and not a SINGLE one of these statements are true. We need to keep in mind that every single Surrogacy journey is unique and it is impossible to predict what a journey will be like based on stereotypes. We live in a world with so many incredibly unique and beautiful people, of all genders, races, religions, belief systems, and we could never clump any two people into the same category.
DO - Keep an open mind
Focus on the potential Intended Parent(s) or Surrogate themselves, rather than a preconceived notion or assumption. You will need to get to know each other on a deeper level and connect in a much more intimate fashion to work best together and to choose the right match for yourselves and the kind of journey you have always envisioned. Never risk losing the connection of a wonderful person because of a ‘stereotype’ or assumption that is inaccurate. Never judge a book by its cover. The true story is found within the depth of the pages. Surrogacy can connect you to some of the most incredible people in the world, if you give everyone the same opportunity and chance, keeping an open mind for all.
DON'T - Set unrealistic Expectations or expect Mind Reading
So many times, we wish someone could just ‘read our minds’ for what we need or want them to say or do. Often we forget to use our words or voices to express our needs. No two people are exactly the same, and therefore, no two people will need exactly the same things, especially when it comes to Support. We often hear Surrogates or Intended Parent(s) say that they ‘don't want to bother’ the other, or the agency, by explaining what they might need. No one can read your mind and always know what you feel. Given that Intended Parent(s) often are fearful of crossing lines with their Surrogate (being too involved or not involved enough) and Surrogates are often afraid they are ‘being too needy’ or ‘not communicating enough’, there becomes a greater need to speak up about what suits each of us best. Life is often busy and it can be much easier to place these things on the back burner, but communication and open dialogue is so very important.
DO - Always be honest and focus on Communication
Speak about expectations of one another before the journey begins, and update everyone involved as the journey evolves. We understand that there will be times that we need a little space and times where we need a little extra TLC. Surrogacy is about Family and Friendship and it does take work to keep those relationships strong and mutually beneficial. These relationships can last a lifetime and can be so strong and wonderful, but like all things, they need honesty, commitment and hard work in order to run smoothly. Never be afraid to talk about what you need or how you are feeling. The right people will understand your needs and you will find the right authentic connections this way. You will never be a bother when speaking about your feelings, but you could risk losing great connections by bottling those feelings up and not giving others the chance to meet you halfway.